I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
