If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
