Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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