I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
