On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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