so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
