ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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