Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
