My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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