It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
