My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
