hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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