I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
ttyl tear gas
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
