I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
