then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
