the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
