my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
