some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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