I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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