it's like iHOP with fire
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
