Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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