I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
