You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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