I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
