Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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