just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
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handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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