I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
