I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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