So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
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just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo