I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
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she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
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We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?