My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
