as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
