I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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