paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
