Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
