You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
