oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize