My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
