My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
