Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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