Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
