I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"