I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
