I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
