How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to have your abortion
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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