Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
