your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
