I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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