I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
