my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
