the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
