he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
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I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We had sex on a dog bed..
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
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I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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