He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
