Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
