Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
