Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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