I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
