1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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