Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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