i just wanna soil my oats bro
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
