i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
